Friday, October 18, 2013

Hey look I'm alive! Or, Why I suck at blogging right now...

So. It's been a while. And I apologize. Life went ahead and kicked my ass. I'm getting used to it now. Here's the scoop.

Babygirl and I decided to take a last minute (like booked the tickets the DAY before we left last minute) trip to New Jersey cause Nana needed an Ava fix. We were putting off going to Jersey, or making any kind of travel plans because it looked like we were gonna be moving to South Carolina by the end of the summer, and we figured once we did it'd be an easy drive to Jersey to visit family.

But, babygirl and I went for what was supposed to be a week. We flew out Tuesday. On Wednesday, the hubbs called me and said "looks like I didn't get the position. not moving for a while at least." Ummmm, bring on the tears and the suckfest.  At this point in the summer (early August) I had already packed up my stuff and moved (in my head). I was SO. DONE. with Washington. Craptastic weather. Too far from family. And come August 26th, we would have to start paying for 3 plane tix since babygirl was turning 2. I was NOT HAVING IT. Charleston was beautiful, and SUNNY, and warm, and on the east coast and SUNNY. I didn't have miserable allergies there. We could get out from this stupid expensive mortgage finally. I could see family so much more often. and Disneyworld was just HOURS away!! 

So to say my world came crashing down with that phonecall is fairly accurate. I had no idea what was coming.

Friday morning. Having a blast in Jersey, although not feeling great. Waiting for my period, which was 5 days late. Called my mom at work and asked her to pick up a pregnancy test on her way home because, although I was sure I wasn't, I knew if  I just peed on a stick then my period would show up the next day. Cause I went and spent money. Murphy's Law and all that.

HA! She asked me how long it took, and  said about 3 minutes. Except. I walked out of that bathroom about 50 seconds later, because I had 2 VERY VERY VIVID LINES. More vivid than any test I had taken with babygirl. And it showed up IMMEDIATELY.

WHAT. THE. EFF.

My mom looked at me, and I just lost it. Couldn't stop bawling. We realized this was probably why he didn't get the job in Charleston. God's timing and all. I was not amused. Called the hubbs, and he was stupid ecstatic. Said he couldn't stop smiling all day long at work.  Awesome for him. I did not want this. This was not my plan.

I of course knew why I felt so crappy and it continually got worse. Morning sickness was sucking hardcore. And I kept wanting to kick myself. I realized that we hadn't been safe 1 time. 1 lousy time. We had talked about maybe possibly having another child after we moved...but my hope was that I could push it off and push it off and then we would decide not to do it. I had already envisioned our family in the future...our perfect little family of three. One child. That was all.

Having a toddler and having morning sickness was not making this any easier on me either. She was clingy. It was hot. She wanted to nurse. I wanted to die a little. She didn't like strollers but carrying her was making me even more sick. I called the hubbs the day before I was supposed to fly home and broke down, telling him there was no way I was getting on a plane by myself with a toddler feeling this craptastic. He had to fly to Jersey and come get us. He heard the desperation in my voice and said he had to work the rest of the week cause he was the only manager in the office, but he would fly out on Friday and take us home. Trip extended to a little over 2 weeks. Which was awesome to have my mom there to help, but I have to say there's something REALLY nice about having a bathroom attached to your bedroom, so I was itching to get back home.

The next bunch of weeks (also known as my first trimester) were me basically locking myself in my house and being sick and sad and worried and sad and sick some more. Went to the doc and found a really really strong heartbeat and a healthy pregnancy. Also found out that I'd have to go on a blood thinner regimen. NOT HAPPY. That doesn't exactly mesh with this whole no medicine, organic, clean living we had been doing. And of course, when I JUST STARTED to feel like I was mastering my life as a mommy, and I was really enjoying my body and how great I was feeling, of COURSE I would go and get pregnant and ruin that all in one shot. How was I gonna handle two? How would babygirl feel about it? I was already being a terrible mother due to how terrible I felt. TV all the time. Not doing a whole lot of cooking. Forget eating at the dining room table. Going on walks wasn't happening. Leaving the house wasn't happening that often.

And lets just add on to that that I was TERRIFIED. Am terrified. Although a little less now. What if this baby comes even earlier? What if it's a boy, and boys are statistically less likely to pull through a preemature birth? I'm not connecting to the pregnancy now, what if I never do? How am I ruining babygirl's babyhood by getting pregnant again? Do I have to cold turkey stop nursing so it doesn't bring on contractions?  She can't handle that. Can we, as a couple, as a family, handle losing a child? And after finally ridding my body of toxins, how is it gonna handle being shot up with blood thinners? I don't want that but I want a healthy baby.

So. I disappeared for a bit. To clear my head, and because looking at any kind of computer screen or book was making me uber nauseous. And here's what I've come to accept.

God gave us the baby for a reason. He knows what our family can and can't handle, and clearly he thinks we would make a good family of 4.

We got a fabulous high risk doctor willing to work with us. So, I am NOT injecting myself with lovonox daily, but I am taking a baby aspirin every day so that the placenta doesn't develop any blood clots, since that's what likely happened to cause the abruption with babygirl. Not super happy, but better than ALL of the drugs they wanted me on.

It looks like this one is a boy...so someone I know is going to get a little snip snip since I. AM. DONE. having babies.

I am more tired than I have ever been in my entire life. Babygirl knows something is up, and has decided to be ridiculously clingy, a poor napper, a poor sleeper (back to 2 feedings in the middle of the night, awesome) and extra whiny to make up for me being sick and tired. She's also taken to mimicking me puking, which is just perfect. So there's that.

And. I have to start giving myself some leniency. Sometimes, cooking is NOT in the cards for me. I'm trying to make more than is needed at time consuming meals so I can freeze half and have it on those days when I'm not cooking. And a lot of times we have pasta. And we're not eating chicken because *GAG* I do NOT do chicken while pregnant. Bring on the pork and beef. So I started buying a few organic cereals (this baby is a cereal fiend). And I started buying some organic frozen foods that I can heat up because GOOD LORD I'm eating 75 times a day (a parasite on the inside AND one on the outside leaves this mamma starving) and I need a little variety in my life. And we eat out a lot more than we used to. Still trying to only go to those places that I know use decent ingredients, but it's not nearly as good as making everything from scratch so my body is of course playing mutiny every once in a while.

And I'm not reading a bunch, or watching food documentaries, or on facebook or this blog much.

I AM watching an awful lot of SuperWhy and Disney movies. And I'm trying to be ok with that.

And ironically, for all the bitching and moaning I did ALL SUMMER LONG about my need for constant sunshine, I REALLY need Washington to get in gear and BRING ON THE FALL. I'm a sweaty, hormonal beast and if I can't start wearing all my adorable preggo sweaters to cover the "is she fat or pregnant" bump I'm gonna lose my flippin mind.

So there's that.





1 comment:

  1. Hang in there sweetie, we'll be praying for you all. I had to be on blood thinners during my pregnancy with baby boy and it does stink but is a necessary evil (I cried when they told me so I totally feel your unhappiness with it, mine was due to the stupid pulmonary embolism 4 years ago, ugh). I'm glad you have a great doc and you can have baby aspirin versus shots....soooo hated the daily shots. Thank the Lord Greg was willing to give them to me because I.CAN.NOT.DO.IT. God does know what you can handle and more importantly what HE can help you handle. I have to remind myself of the same thing all the time. Besides, you're a Jersey girl....you got this!!!

    ReplyDelete