What started out as an idealic relationship with God (I mean, I SAW HIM when I was 3, hanging out with my recently deceased Nana, telling me every little thing was gonna be alright), turned into a struggle of I'm-not-worthy-enough that still rears its ugly head every now and again.
An entry for Lisa Jo Baker's blog for Five Minute Friday.
I was molested by a female neighbor when I was 5. We were playing doctor. I didn't realize what had really gone on- but my mom noticed I was red and swollen and asked what happened. We didn't play with those neighbors anymore. Something similar happened with a female babysitter a few years later, but I didn't tell anyone. It felt dirty and wrong, and I didn't want to get in trouble.
Combine that with a volatile divorce that essentially ended the relationship I had with my father until well after college, and you have the perfect recipe for a lost little girl with zero self-worth, searching for love from male friends since females were not to be trusted. My mom is the only reason I survived with some shred of God's love for me.
I decided I would be a virgin until marriage. Until senior prom night- when that decision was taken from me while I was asleep. (I know, who falls asleep while making out with a boyfriend?) I woke up after it started and didn't want him to feel bad, so I didn't say anything. And also? I didn't break up with him. Nope. We had sex so I had to marry him, right? Enter the next 9 months of the worst. relationship. ever.
Did I mention I had an eating disorder through high school and most of college? So yeah. There's that.
And then it was yet another poor choice in mate. One who made me feel worthless. One who gave me a ring. Luckily, one I figured out was NOT the right one before the wedding.
But. That led to a string of one night stand-ish type encounters. Things I don't want to think about. Things I cringe about. That leave me wondering how in the world I did not end up pregnant or with a disease. God watched and protected me. As much as I was pushing His love away.
I tried to get back on the right track. I dated a super Christian boy. He was amazing. I fell hard. But. He couldn't get passed my past. Unlovable. Unworthy. Used. Unclean. Broken. Into a million little pieces.
And now? I have a husband I'm madly in love with. I have a babygirl I'd give my life for. They have helped to build me back up. Help me see my purpose. It's taken YEARS. Struggles. Cursing. Fighting so hard so he would just leave. so I wouldn't be left. But he loved me through it.
And then my church. My amazing church family that finally sent a message of pure LOVE and GRACE. Of "you are forgiven" and "you are cherished" instead of "who could ever want a rose that has been passed around by so many hands". a rebuilding of spirit. a rebirth of soul.
There are days I still feel broken. dirty. slutty. But God lifts me up. always. dusts me off. whispers I'm loved. you're mine. nothing will change that. you're clean because I LOVE YOU.